How Should I Feel After a Divorce

Like any other traumatic experience, divorce can have an emotional impact on everyone involved. It can cause people to feel confused, betrayed, guilty, rejected, overwhelmed, angry, sad, or any number of mixed emotions.

With divorce rates being so high in America, roughly 40 to 50 percent and higher for subsequent marriages, many divorced Americans surprisingly have not considered or prepared for the emotional impact that divorce can bring. After going through the physical separation, life after divorce can begin to trigger a variety of feelings. Divorce can make it difficult to move on, sort out your feelings, or even know how to respond to these feelings.

You may have certain feelings surrounding why the divorce occurred in the first place, such as feelings of guilt, anger, loneliness, depression, bitterness, revengefulness, or forms of grief that may kick in after the divorce. These feelings could be triggered at different emotional stages of the divorce process, according to Dr. Kathleen O'Connell Corcoran, Ph.D.

Are You Feeling More Like the Winner or the Loser After your Divorce?

Being in a competitive environment can be very healthy in some regards, however when competitiveness enters a relationship, it can have its drawbacks.  According to Joseph Burgo, Ph.D., and author of ‘Shamed Based Divorce and Winners and Losers’, whenever there’s a triumph where one of the parties is the winner, it leaves the other party feeling and acting out as the contemptible “loser”, which causes feelings of loss and defeat.

Feelings of victory or triumph all too often cause feelings of superiority over the other; leaving the other party to experiences feelings of inferiority, humiliation, and shame, according to Dr. Burgo.

Relationships that are based on competitiveness almost always result in one person feeling like the winner, and the other like the loser.

Dr. Burgo points out that underlying feelings of shame often lie behind any triumphant and hyper-competitive behaviors. He also mentions that some of his clients struggling with feelings of basic shame are at the root of some of the most toxic, competitive relationships he has seen.  So, a lot of what you may be feeling could be based upon whether or not you feel like the loser or the winner after the divorce.

Usually, the person who initiates the divorce feels a sense of empowerment, which leaves the unsuspected partner feeling hopeless, lost and confused as they struggle with the loss of the home, trust, dignity, finances, and in some cases the loss of a custody battle. Then, the partner who initiated it will suffer from an intense guilt that takes time to overcome.

If the relationship was based upon emotional dependency, and you always depended on your spouse for emotional support, this can also contribute to feelings of loss. When such a couple divorces, this loss may often times leave the individuals involved feeling like they have lost a limb, as they were so used to having the other partner around to share life with.

Victories and Triumphs, Failures, and Defeat

Do you feel victorious and triumphant after your divorce, or defeated?  Those who want to end their marriages because they were not happy tend to feel more victorious.

Feelings of defeat may take place at the actual point of separation. This can be triggered by the physical departure of the spouse, followed by those periods when your spouse is simply no longer present in the home and you miss it. These factors all contribute to how you may be feeling.

Common Causes that Evokes Ill Feelings

A series of stressful events often takes place when a marriage ends. From making new living arrangements and parenting schedules, to making decisions about property ownership and dealing with the financial aftermath; these events create psychological and emotional reactions in all parties involved.

Understanding How You Should Be Feeling After a Divorce

Because there are so many circumstances surrounding a divorce, many different feelings may arise. For example, if you were hit with the bomb of being asked for a divorce, then you may experience feelings of rejection. Rejection is often kept bottled up, and lends itself to sadness or depression.  If these feelings and symptoms are not dealt with right away, anger and bitterness may arise.

On the other hand, if you were the one who initiated the divorce, you may be left with feelings of extreme guilt over the pain the divorce causes the other person. The most important thing to know is that no matter how you are feeling after your divorce, those feelings are valid, and there is no right or wrong way to feel and react.

The most important thing to do when having intense feelings surrounding your divorce is to take a step back, examine what you are feeling and why, and try to process those feelings. Journaling, or channeling your feelings into a hobby or art can often-times help. Another important factor to note is that time will eventually heal all wounds, no matter how deep they may be. It’s also important to forgive yourself, regardless of whether you initiated the divorce or not. If you can reach a point where you look back on the experience as a lesson in life and learn from it, then perhaps you will be able to move on with no regrets or grudges in the end.

Knowing When to Reach Out for Help

Wanting to understand your feelings after divorce is healthy, yet it can also be very confusing and difficult when it comes to pin pointing which of your feelings is being triggered and why. In an article titled ‘Understanding and Using the Thoughts and Feelings After Divorce’, written by Suzanne Phillips, Psy.D., ABPP, we learn that regardless of how divorce is initiated (chosen or imposed), contested, mediated or litigated—divorce is emotionally and psychologically difficult.  That’s why it’s important not to keep your feelings inside, and to seek out help in getting back on track. Reaching out to sound family members and friends, or a therapist can help in processing your feelings after your divorce, and help you to rebuild and move on.

Ultimately, divorce should truly be about your future, and not your past. Yet the past must be worked through first before getting to a point where you are able to think about the future. If you are going through a divorce, or thinking about it, there are many professionals available to help.

 

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